Present. My Intention for 2025.
I never set resolutions, but I decided to choose an intention-setting word for 2025.
present (n.) (verb) (adj.)
I cannot express the way that 2024 rained down more horror than I knew I could hold.
The pain of my fifth miscarriage, and the grief of more than just a single baby, but of the realization that what I want most in the world may not ever materialize in the way I hoped.
The isolating and dizzying grief of holding my own pain alongside that of every Palestinian, many of whose families have been entirely erased, more babies wrapped in white, more mothers tears and screams, more people burned to death in front of my eyes than I thought I could ever hold. The continued pain of our Black and Indigenous siblings here at home, children in my home community put through enormously burdensome trials of racism and homophobia, our earth crying out to do better.
The callous way so many people I love have chosen to fool themselves into believing it is all justified, or choosing to look away and carry on. The juxtaposition of local grief and global grief, the need for community, the tearing at the fabric of our sense of community, the crushing sadness and the blessing of those who have carried me through and gave me space to be.
I have never cried as much or let out so many silent screams as I did this past year. My soul has changed on a molecular level in ways I will likely be unpacking for years to come, but I know that I cannot unsee, un-feel, or un-experience... nor do I want to.
To be present in the present, is a gift. And I am committed to look with eyes wide open at this moment. To be grateful for all that has been given to me, and to steward this gift in ways that lifts us all toward collective and true liberation.
While listening to a keynote speech by Patrice Washington in the beginning of December, I realized I was sabotaging my own dreams by holding so tightly to old identities- "I'm just a teacher" "I'm a stay at home mom for this season of life" "I want a big family" "I desperately want another baby" "I just run a small business on the side as a second income for our family" "I'm just a volunteer" "I'm not meant to lead this initiative".... that I wasn't seeing the the space that was in front of me now... in the present.
I didn't want to see it, because seeing it meant I had to do something with that sight, and the pain of accepting such a change wasn't something I didn't think I could really bear. I thought the present was burying me, and the future seemed worse, but really the pain of the past and the loss of the future I wanted was crushing me- mind, body, and spirit.
The present is a gift.
But this present isn't the gift I wanted. I wanted to have five kids in four years. I wanted to be done having kids quickly, enjoy them intensely at home while they were home and I was still young, and go back into the classroom once everyone went to school. I wanted a salary, and to have a job I was really good at and won awards for doing.
I wanted all of our activism efforts to pay off now, not years from now- for Palestine to be free, and for our local school board to do more to protect the kids in our community being harmed by their own racist, homophobic policies.
But we make plans and God laughs... (I had seven kids in 6 years, but only two made it earth-side, so I guess the joke really is on me). It's truly clear now, though, that I need to shed those old identities, and step into what is purposed for me in this season. I need to heal, and get out of my own way.
So I am choosing the present. I am choosing to embrace this gift, this moment... of this time to build a business, this time to heal, this time to enjoy the family and beautiful children I do have with me on earth, of the gift of community and the meaningful justice-oriented work I get to do in this moment. I want to be present for the family I have- mindful, intentional, patient, loving, and grateful. I want to show up for the work that matters to me most and be present for humanity, without hesitation or apology. I want to stop living for the past or the future, and really look at the now.
I want to present myself to the world in a way that stewards the gifts I've been given in ways that uplift everyone, everywhere, and shares these gifts in ways that are life-giving for those who need them most. The weight of the world's grief and my personal losses will not leave my soul, but I have five angels to help me carry the load.
I never wanted to own a business.
But when I really face facts, this process has been one of the biggest gifts in disguise- forcing me to stretch and grow, learn, rethink, adjust, and redefine in ways that certainly weren't the gift I wanted, but have brought me to this moment. To this present moment, and a place of acceptance (however reluctant) that I am not in control, I never have been, and the more I try to control, the more out of alignment things become.
I believe deeply that God is working all things for our good, and I need to get out of the way, let God be God, and align myself within the purpose that is being laid out before me, in the here and now.
What a gift.
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